Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 04/16/08

Recently, the city lifted its voluntary water rationing, due to an excess of water in the North Fork Reservoir.

Here are some ways you can splurge on all that extra water:

• Bump family members back up to eight daily glasses.

• Replace your child’s Skid ‘n Scrape with a Slip ‘n Slide.

• Rent a Gus Van Sant movie and take a shot of water every time nothing happens.

• If you want, you can use water to perform baptisms, instead of hot yogurt.

• Refill your hot tub with water once the 500 gallons of Cristal currently in it evaporate.

• Instead of collecting rainwater in cisterns like a neurotic green cheapskate, don’t.

• Remember: You don’t have to leave your parked car idling all night while you sleep to help melt the icebergs — we have extra water now.

• If a waiter asks you if you want a glass of water with your meal when you don’t, say, “Shit, yeah,” and then don’t touch it.

• Paint a still-life using water colors and make the bowl of fruit gigantic.

• Instead of setting your fraternity pledges on fire, see how much water they can drink without dying.

• Go to Crazy Al’s Used Water Lot with your paycheck because he’s so crazy, he’s practically giving away used water.

• When stirring up a new batch of water, use the recipe “H4-O2” to make it extra watery.

Large naked woman to be built downtown after discovery of Grove drawing

DOWNTOWN, MONDAY — Recently discovered notes and drawings by famed Asheville developer E.W. Grove have prompted a local businessman to construct a 75-story mixed-use building that will honor the naked woman in Grove’s renderings.

The proposed building, above.

“Yes, it is a ridiculously large building, but by building it to look exactly like the naked woman so clearly designed in Grove’s drawings, I am honoring his vision,” said developer Craig T. Locklear.

The project’s detractors are finding difficulty arguing with the seeming resurrection of a dead man’s long-dormant plan.

“Well, the whole thing sounds disproportionate, in both overall scale and hip-to-waist ratio,” said downtown community organizer David Timbley.

“But, in the end, anything that was dreamed up by a developer 90 years ago is OK by me.”

The exterior of the proposed building will not look like a building at all, but a giant naked woman reclining into the sky. Grove’s drawing also calls for the building to be adorned with a firebreathing dragon, a “space-chariot,” and several E.W. Groves fornicating with naked women as well as an unfinished tic-tac-toe game.

“It will be exactly as he drew it,” says Locklear. “It’s an inspired plan, one he sadly could not follow through on due to his death. But he drew it, so we must make it reality.”

A small doodle in the shape of a triangle located on another Grove drawing will also be developed into a mixed-use high-rise pyramid with underground parking, condominiums and street-level retail shopping.