Editor’s note: The following predictions are part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. It’s all in good fun, folks.
Top 10 baby names for 2025
- Turby
- Clay
- Chandler
- Ben
- Woody
- Sofia
- Fema
- Windy
- Charlotte
- Not Helene
Top five trending panhandler signs in 2025
- FEMA stole my lithium stock.
- Need ca$h for crypto play.
- You might now have water and electricity again, but I’m still without.
- Where has all the post-Helene solidarity, love and unity gone?
- Need a ride to Charlotte.
Top five items found inside one of the city’s portable bathrooms that will continue to haunt your dreams in 2025
- Lidless water bottles filled with piss.
- Portal to hell.
- Your hopes and dreams.
- No toilet paper.
- Yourself.
Asheville’s top five marketing slogans, post-Helene
- Gateway to the wet
- Now with fewer chemtrails
- We’ll turn your water into … actually, we’ll just keep your water, thanks, but come have a beer!
- Where guests can order IPAs served in a Lowe’s 5-gallon bucket
- Come for the disaster porn, stay for the “Portland Loo”
Top 10 worst things to likely happen inside the 24/7 “Portland Loo” in 2025
- A tourist gets superhigh inside the bathroom and thinks the loo will transport him to Portland, Ore. He refuses to deplane for several hours.
- Raccoons occupy the site throughout February.
- The toilet gets clogged with old copies of Xpress.
- Once repaired, it gets clogged again by the lethal aftereffects of a Rankin Vault Pickle PBR and chili dog combo.
- Sunday night disco parties launch in June.
- City Council approves an additional $400,000 to install a bidet.
- Installation of said bidet experiences three-month delay.
- Bidet gets removed a week after its installation due to inappropriate use.
- Residents refuse to use the bathroom to protest bidet’s removal.
- City Council approves an additional $400,000 for a mural on the outside of the loo in honor of the bidet.
Bo Hess’ unstated ambitions for his first year on City Council
- Buy his fellow members breakfast once a month from Bojangles.
- Introduce a new policy for Council attire: ski goggles and black gloves are now mandatory.
- Free “Bo” haircuts for all city children under the age of 12.
Top five winter activities for a changing climate
- Cross-country gravel skiing
- Dry pavement skating
- Building slush people
- Tubing in the flood
- Golf
Mark Robinson’s top five goals for 2025
- Eat more pizza.
- Figure out how to use a VPN.
- Delete his cookie history.
- Stop relying on incognito mode.
- Actually post something on Pinterest.
Top five new career paths for Roy Cooper
- Cooper at Jim Beam
- Fred Rogers impersonator
- Traveling jacket salesman
- Shoeshiner for all the state legislators
- Official taste-tester at Flour
Top 10 things we’ll miss in 2025 now that we’ve got potable water
- Endless debates on how to pronounce “potable.”
- Daily robocalls from Clay Chandler (or was it Ben Woody?) about the boil-water notice.
- Office water bottle recycling bin dunking contests.
- Pondering the design possibilities for North Fork’s new curtains.
- Making friends in the potable water line.
- Crafting all those bespoke bottle-lid necklaces for new friends from the potable water line.
- Diverting money not spent on water bills to invest in cryptocurrency.
- Using paper plates and plastic sporks for every meal.
- Having a panic attack after accidentally brushing your teeth with tap water.
- The whirlwind of holiday water-tasting parties.
Top five items on your 2025 to-do list
- Scrape that Harris/Walz bumper sticker off the back of your 2008 Subaru Forester.
- Join, then awkwardly ghost, your neighbor’s polycule.
- Shower once every eight weeks because you’re kinda used to it now.
- Spend excessive amounts of time in traffic.
- Slowly wean yourself off MREs over an eight-month period.
Top five accomplishments for Xpress in 2025
- Adopt Interstate 40 westbound and rename it the Mountain Xpressway.
- Get that smell out of the refrigerator.
- Convince the city to continue to grant us free parking anywhere downtown.
- Buy a helicopter for funsies.
- Go in on a companywide timeshare in Charlotte.
Top five things most likely to happen after you’ve read this almanac
- You’ll be relieved to remember that you didn’t pay any money for this.
- You’ll be in possession of a fish wrapper.
- You’ll look up the word “polycule.”
- You’ll probably scroll through Instagram.
- You’ll move to Charlotte.
Top five reasons to be hopeful about 2025
- You won’t have to read the next Xpress almanac for another 12 months.
- Kim Roney’s nascent bike rental service.
- Firewood is bountiful.
- At least it’s not 2020.
- There’s always Charlotte.
